'God saved me from drugs, prison and homelessness'

My biological dad was physically abusive to my mum. I have two younger brothers and when I was about five, my mum got us all away from my dad. She met another guy, and we moved to Belgium for his work. I was put into a French-speaking boarding school, but didn’t know the language. I felt alone and was bullied for being English. Two older lads started abusing me sexually.

We were all allocated jobs in the school. One of mine was cleaning the brass work and copper pipes. I liked the smell of the liquid I cleaned the pipes with and could feel it was having an effect on me. I enjoyed that, as it made me forget what was going on. 

When I was ten, we moved back to the UK. My mum never showed us any love, so I was always searching for it elsewhere. At secondary school, I started using other drugs, such as weed and acid. I went to martial arts classes and got a lot of attention from two guys. At the time, I didn’t know they were grooming me. I didn’t enjoy what they did to me, but I mistook it for love. I became confused about my sexuality, which made me use more and more drugs. 

When I was 18, I met a lady who was older than me. We got married within a few weeks, but it was a very toxic relationship. She had two boys from a previous marriage, and then we had a son who was born with a drug addiction. He had to go into the special care unit for six weeks. Social services let us keep parental control of our child, even though we were using all through that time.

Throughout our marriage, we were very co-dependent on drug use. I also became part of a drug-dealing gang and was involved in some nasty stuff. One of our members was murdered by another gang. I’d been in and out of prison quite a bit for drug offences too. We didn’t hide it from our boys – they also became addicted.

My wife eventually got clean from drugs but went on to drink. Then, one day, she had a bleed on the brain, went to hospital and passed away. I took the three boys to the chapel to say our goodbyes. We got back into the car afterwards and the first thing we did was have a hit of heroin together.

The turning point

A couple of years after my wife passed away, I met someone else. Again, we were both addicts. I had another son and a daughter with her, but this time we protected them; I think they knew what was going on, but they didn’t get involved in drugs. One day she left me alone with the children. I got high and started smashing things up. The police turned up. I had an altercation with them, got tasered, arrested and sent to prison for a couple of years.

Two of my boys were on the same prison wing at the same time as me. One day, I was on the landing, stood by my prison door when they suddenly dragged this guy into my cell and tried to rob his drugs off him. That’s when I saw: they had become a mirror image of me. I decided I needed to do something.

I realised I’d always been looking in the wrong places for love

I started working with substance misuse support people in prison. They arranged for me to go to rehab when I was released. I completed rehab but ended up homeless on the streets for four months. Then I heard about Green Pastures in Flintshire. I rang them and they said: “Come down and see us.” I went, filled in some paperwork and they gave me somewhere to live straight away.

One day, one of the Green Pastures support workers said: “Let’s go to church,” and I thought: I’ll give this a go. It felt like God was speaking to me; everything that was spoken about felt like it was about me. That’s when I first felt God. That’s when I first felt love, to be honest. Back at home that night, I realised I’d always been looking in the wrong places for love. That was the first night I prayed.

Future hope 

After a year or so, I started doing volunteer work for Green Pastures. Another organisation, St Giles, helps prison leavers get qualifications and so, with Green Pastures acting as a placement, they helped me do my NVQ in advice and guidance and City and Guilds in peer mentoring. I’ve since been employed by Green Pastures, and I’ve been to college to do leadership and management training.

When I was in prison for the last time, my previous marriage ended, but I do still visit my son and daughter. All three of my older boys are in recovery now, too. One has his own building business, and the eldest works in the DWP fraud department.

I met Claire six years ago. I’d only been seeing her for a couple of weeks when I took her to church. She found faith too. We’ve now got a three-year-old and a four-year-old. Green Pastures bought us a home. It is the first time in my life that I’ve paid my bills on time. We have our challenges but if anyone had told me, when I was gripped by all that madness, where I’d be today, I would never have believed it. Now I try to tell all the residents that I work with that Jesus accepts us – he shows us grace and love – and also empowers us. 

Rob Weary was talking to Claire Musters. To find out more about Christian social enterprise Green Pastures visit greenpastures.co.uk