4 things women want from church

Let’s start by tackling the elephant in the room. Should you really write an opinion piece about what women want from church? Surely that’s Christian consumerism!

Corporate worship isn’t some sort of weekly get-together where everyone turns up to have a good time. It’s not a transactional experience where we focus on what we can get rather than what we can give.

Also, want goes against those supposed principles of biblical womanhood: submissive wives, sacrificial mothers and joyful homemakers who reject personal desires in order to live out God’s purpose. It ignores that essential idea about women exercising their God-given gifts solely for the benefit of others.

For certain generations, the language may even conjure up images of Mel Gibson’s What Women Want. The film may be bit dated now, but he did have the power to hear what women were thinking - which could be a very useful God-given gift in some circumstances!

More than enough

Of course, there’s another elephant in the room. If we only consider what women want from church, does that presuppose it is different from what men want; that church somehow needs to account for gender-specific preferences? Do women want more than the fundamentals of prayer, sacrament and scripture? Is Jesus not enough for them?

I am a middle-aged woman responsible for four teenagers and a few octogenarians; one of the ‘sandwich generation’ who are caring for both children and elderly relatives. According to Instagram, I should be either hormonal or menopausal, existentially anxious, having a midlife crisis, dealing with issues of self-worth and an inability to fulfil my potential. 

I am standing on the precipice of empty nests and retirement and, after years of being compliantly defined by the parameters of femalehood, it seems I have a narrow window of opportunity to be authentically me before I move gracefully into invisibility.

What women don’t want

I am a huge fan of church, but it can be yet another form of institutionalisation for women and, as I embrace my second half of life, I mainly know what I don’t want from church now.

I don’t want another lecture. I don’t want another job to do. I don’t want admin. I don’t want guilt and shame. I don’t want fluff, inspirational quotes or verses in swirly fonts. I don’t want to make bookmarks. I really don’t want more conferences or events that tell me how to be a better woman.

I don’t want to be told I’m beautiful, special, loved and chosen - but never asked to input into anything useful. I don’t want sermon illustrations which in no way represent me, especially ones about sport.

I guess I just don’t want to feel resentful while I am in church. I want to leave feeling renewed, refreshed and restored enough to point others towards Jesus; to be a decent version of salt and light in the world. I want to be able to offer hope to women facing the same things as me.

Perhaps if the word want was changed to need, it would be more palatable. But want shouldn’t be seen as a negative. After all, it is a yearning; a desire for something more.

Here are four suggestions as to what women might want from church to enable them to be that something more:

1. Rest

Somehow, evangelical Christianity has conditioned many women to believe that church is somewhere they must give rather than receive. They must sign up to rotas, run the crèche and do hospitality. They must be more busy than present and labour rather than listen. What many women really want is a rest. They want to sit down. They want to lift their eyes beyond their daily to-do lists and find spirit-filled peace. They envy Mary at the feet of Jesus.

2. Realism

Life is not easy. Many women are carers. There are also physiological and psychological situations which impact women specifically – pregnancy loss, infertility, postnatal depression. We can’t ignore the current high levels of poor self-esteem. Women want open discussion in which mental health is treated as a medical condition rather than a lack of faith. They want to be equipped to spiritually navigate the changing seasons in their lives. They want to hear real stories, not trite blessings or watered-down interpretations of scripture. They want today’s version of the woman who bled for 12 years, who was seen by and healed by Jesus.

3. Respect

While many women take on identities as mothers, wives, sisters and daughters, they are also individuals. They want to be uniquely relevant rather than collectively labelled. Women are operating successfully in secular society, leading effectively in various spheres. They want to be respected as equals in the church, engaged in intelligent conversations and invited to participate in roles where their opinions and expertise are valued. They want to operate like the Old Testament prophetess Deborah.

4. Relationships

Belonging in church matters to everyone but women particularly benefit from sharing their lives and journeying with others. Women want authentic, accountable relationships where they can process, pray and study the Bible in smaller groups. They want God-filled friendships like Mary and Elizabeth in the New Testament.

Rest, realism, respect and relationships. Four things which women want and, if they could get them, might ultimately lead to the refreshment, renewal and restoration they so desperately need.

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