It was with interest that I watched two women being interviewed on television on the day Hugh Hefner died. One stated that he had been a benefactor to many, while the other stood her ground and argued against such a statement saying that he had demeaned women, building a brand that was based on their subjugation.
I am someone who speaks on pornography, telling my own story, and am also a coach and therapist who works with individuals and couples who have experienced the devastating effect of it in their lives. I am passionate to see a level playing field where the sexes respect themselves and each other.
In this world, where sexual touching of women in the workplace is common place, more men are coming into the public eye for all the wrong reasons.
Why do men, some in positions of authority like Harvey Weinstein, think that it is a good idea to touch women without permission and why has it been allowed to go on for so long? Why do men who demean women manage to move into positions of great authority?
It seems to me that there is something going on in this world that has its root in a previous era, and it is this: many men still believe that the purpose of a woman is to serve and satisfy them. They are there to titivate and stimulate them.
So back to fluffy bottoms. Who on earth thought that it was a good idea for women to parade around in black leotards, stockings and heels with a rabbit’s tail stuck to their rear end? Well, the answer is, once again, a man!
My own story
Back in the late 1970s I worked as a Page 3 model. The reason it all started was because my 19-year-old self asked a photographer to take some pictures for a portfolio. When I arrived for the shoot in a field, all on my own, he told me to remove my top, and I did.
Why did I do that? I was naïve for sure. I was beautiful, not that I realised it, and I could easily have found an agent with my clothes on. So apart from naivety what was it that drove me to comply with someone, out to satisfy some need in himself?
In the 1950s women ‘knew their place’; just check out Good Housekeeping’s ‘The Good Wife Guide’. The aim of women at that time was to look after and keep sweet the men in their lives. This is still taking a toll on women today.
Growing up in the 60s did not protect me; I still fell prey to the wiles of a man in a position of power.
When I think about what I did I am aware that the Playboy empire was most likely founded on girls like myself, who just wanted a break and, in order to get that break, played the game where men held all the cards. I think that is most likely what happened in Hollywood too.
The not so hidden cost
As someone who works with victims of domestic abuse, I wonder at the cost of demeaning women. Does it in some way encourage men to keep women in a suppressed place? Does it invite the culture of power and control where men tell a woman what to wear and who they can see? Does it support their view that they are superior and as such must be obeyed whatever the circumstances? Does this worldview contribute to the deaths of two women every week at the hands of their perpetrator?
So, what’s to be done?
Let’s teach our sons and daughters about self-respect and honour. Let us support them to know their own worth. As someone who works with people addicted to pornography or caught up in domestic abuse I am convinced that it is vital that we stand our ground. It is only as we start to honour ourselves as women and invite men to do the same that we can make some changes. Even if it is one man at a time.
If you would like to stand with other men and respect women, why not join Restored’s First Man standing campaign?
Susie Flashman Jarvis is an ambassador for Restored, an international Christian alliance working to end violence against women. She works as an executive coach and counsellor. To find out more please visit her website.
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