'Drink, drugs, sex, career, travel - I’ve tried it all. Nothing satisfies like Jesus Christ'

My dad was a criminal and football hooligan who spent time in prison. He was a drunk and very verbally abusive. But when I was six years old, a Christian – who was also a former criminal – gave him John’s Gospel. Dad read it in one night and, within a week, he had completely changed. Because of that, my mum became a Christian too. 

One day, as we walked along the road, I held his hand and said: “I like you being a Christian.” He asked: “Why’s that, son?” I said: “Because you don’t smash the house up anymore.” 

My dad went into ministry, so the rest of my upbringing was as a pastor’s kid. I was pleased to have a settled home life but, by the time I was a teenager, I still hadn’t become a Christian. I was into performing arts and I was desperate to travel, so my parents paid for me to volunteer with the Continental Singers, a Christian group who were touring Europe. During that time, I made a commitment of faith. 

Turning away

I decided to do a youth work degree but, in my third year, I made the mistake of moving back into halls of residence, away from my Christian housemates. Soon, I was feeling weighed down by guilt and not spending enough time reading my Bible or in prayer. I was constantly beating myself up.

At the same time, I was looking at all the other students living carefree lives, doing what they wanted. So, I turned my back on God. I started dating a non-Christian girl. I tried everything, from drugs to drink to sex. I had multiple partners, got married, then divorced. I travelled the world and lived abroad. 

I hated even the mention of God. I lost friendships and blocked people for talking about God. I hated going into a church for any reason.

I was a real jumble of contradictions. I could remember times when our family experienced miraculous provision. I saw people have demons cast out of them, and repeated answers to prayer. But because I was dabbling in New Ageism, I convinced myself that this could be explained by universal energy, or manifesting. I called myself agnostic, because I thought it was intellectual to sit on the fence. 

Rock bottom

By 2022, my second marriage was on the rocks. I’d just become a dad for the first time. I was working as a drama and English teacher, but it was all too much pressure, and I had to leave the profession due to my mental health. I struggled with suicidal thoughts and self-harm. 

I read 300 books in one year – just to keep my mind busy. I thought if I was constantly reading, I wouldn’t be stuck in my thoughts. So, I’d read loads of stuff about philosophy and different faiths. I tried everything, but still nothing was satisfying me, and nothing was changing. 

I mumbled a prayer one day, probably peppered with swear words. I said: “God, I don’t believe you’re there, but if you are, prove it.” A verse that I had not thought about for decades came into my head: “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). 

I bought The Case for Faith and The Case for Christ (Zondervan) by Lee Strobel, and a Bible. After about two weeks of reading those, I gave in. I said: “I can’t deny the evidence. It’s true and I need your forgiveness.” 

My anger melted away and my body and mind relaxed for the first time. My wife saw an almost instantaneous change in me. A week after I became a Christian, she also gave her life to God. Now, our marriage is being rebuilt and getting stronger.

I’d had near-daily suicidal thoughts since I was about ten. But a few months after becoming a Christian, I realised I hadn’t had any. My kids say: “You seem lighter, Dad. You and Mum argue less.” But after convincing my kids for years that God wasn’t real, now they don’t believe. 

Trusting in God

I still have challenges, but instead of being anxious, I’m just trusting God. I still live with a mental health condition, but I’m constantly relying on God’s strength, which is the best thing to do. Healing is coming!

Sometimes it’s a real struggle to go to church on Sundays. I’m largely agoraphobic and rarely leave my village. Getting on a train to the city centre was stressful for me, so we go to a little Methodist chapel on our road. We’re the youngest by about 20 years! They pray with us and support us. They’ve become family to us – and my girls, even though there’s no children’s work. I love it there. 

There’s a Bible verse that says: “I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done” (Psalm 118:17). That’s such a powerful verse for me, with my past attempts at ending my own life. All I want to do is tell my friends, family, strangers. So, I decided to write a book, Grace Notes, and I do stuff on social media because I can’t yet go and do street preaching.

For 22 years, my Christian friends and family prayed for me — without seeing a single sign that God was doing anything in my life.

But God was working behind the scenes, and honoured those prayers. Even if you’ve prayed for years for a child, a relative or a friend, it doesn’t mean that nothing’s happening. I want people to know that. 

Calum Mackenzie was speaking to Sam Hailes. Calum’s book Grace Notes is available now