‘We only had sex three times in the first three years of our marriage’

Having grown up in the church, Hannah Tarbuck is a self-confessed “pastor’s kid” who has always loved Jesus and never rebelled. “I haven’t even smoked a cigarette!” she jokes. She met Ben at their school Christian Union and they started dating when Hannah was 16. Four years later, aged 20, they were married.

“The wedding day was beautiful,” Hannah recalls. Having waited until they were married to have sex, the couple were “super excited” for their wedding night. “But it just didn’t play out how we’d planned.

“It was quite a disappointing evening,” she says with a wry smile. They were unable to have sex, but assumed it was just a blip. “We thought: It’s just one night. We’ve got our whole lives together…”

Having resisted physical intimacy for so long, Hannah says that she “mentally struggled” with the idea that she was now free to enjoy it. “My mindset around sex was so legalistic that my brain didn’t just switch to: Now this is OK. You can relax and this is safe,” she explains. The tension made the physical act difficult: “I would get really upset and distressed, and things snowballed from there,” she says. 

It was six months before Hannah and Ben finally managed to have penetrative sex, and over the next three years, the couple only managed intercourse three times. 

Mixed emotions

Embarrassed and ashamed, they felt unable to confide in anyone, especially at church. It was a “desperately sad and painful” time, says Hannah. “I felt stupid that this part of my marriage didn’t work. It was really lonely.

“Ben was so understanding and caring,” she says, but as time passed, she began to worry about their future. “I’d say: ‘I understand if you want to leave,’” she recalls. “Or, two years in: ‘What if we can’t have children? Is this still something you want to be a part of?’”

She also began to feel angry towards God. She assumed that if she waited until marriage, a great sex life would be her automatic reward. “When that didn’t happen, I thought: Well, God, I could give you a list of all the other people who did things they weren’t supposed to, and their marriages are thriving. So how does that work out?” 

Praying for breakthrough

Hannah and Ben visited doctors to rule out any physical complications. They tried couples counselling and Hannah attended therapy alone but they failed to pinpoint a reason for their difficulties or find a solution.

Then, in 2013, their church declared “a year of breakthrough”, as their corporate theme. Throughout their three years of married life together, the couple had consistently prayed for a breakthrough in their sex life – would this be their year? 

By 31 December, “nothing had changed”, recalls Hannah. She hadn’t read or listened to anything that had prompted a change in her thinking, had a miraculous experience or felt any significant shift. But, on New Year’s Eve, she and Ben had sex for the fourth time and, this time, it felt like the start of something. 

She describes the experience as a “miracle in motion”. It wasn’t an all-at-once healing, but slowly, they began to enjoy a more regular physical relationship. “I still had fear and anxiety around sex,” says Hannah, “but it wasn’t crippling in the way that it had been.” It still took effort to remember that sex was now something she could enjoy, says Hannah but, over time and with continued prayer, things improved.

Eventually, she felt confident enough to confide in a few close friends. Then, as she started to share their story more widely, people began to seek Hannah out, revealing their own marital issues, or asking questions that they felt unable to ask elsewhere in church. 

A better conversation 

Hannah quickly realised that there was a need for more openness in the Church - but if she was going to continue to speak into this, she needed more than her own personal experience. So, during lockdown, she studied for a diploma in sexology. This looks at the scientific study of human sexual behaviour – the sociological, psychological and scientific elements of sex and sexuality – and allowed Hannah to examine how faith intersects with this. She also started an Instagram page, provocatively titled @the_missisonary_position.

“I still believe that sex is created for marriage,” says Hannah, “but my understanding of why we weren’t going to do it was wrong.  It was fear that stopped me having sex before I got married, not obedience.

“That’s a misunderstanding of grace,” she continues. “It’s trying to earn something that we can’t earn.” Now, with two children of her own, she wants young people to learn about sex “in the way that God designed it – not in a fearful way, but actually, this is the beauty of it, and this is why God says that the best place for it is within marriage.

“People want a space to be honest about how they feel and what they’re experiencing,” she adds. Society talks about sex all the time, and if the Church does not provide that, it does people no favours – as Hannah and Ben discovered when they were struggling with their sex life and, “because of shame and embarrassment”, felt they had no one they could talk to. 

Hannah and Ben’s story ultimately points to the goodness of God and how he can redeem all things. “I want to talk about things that people don’t want to talk about in the Church – like sex – but actually, the most important thing for me is to say: ‘This is what God did in our relationship, and he can do the same for you. There’s healing and restoration for you in your sexual health, as much as in other parts of your life.’”  

Follow Hannah @the_missionary_position Find out more: themissionaryposition.co.uk