Polyamory is becoming normal. Here’s how Christians can respond

We’ve all got questions we dread being asked: “You say your God is love, but what about all the suffering in the world?”. “You say your God is love, but what about the Crusades?”. “You say your God is love, so why do you think it’s wrong for two people of the same sex to get married?”

These are real and important questions that we might get asked by people who aren’t yet followers of Jesus. And they’re good questions. We need to think them through and be equipped to answer them because they hit on some of the big barriers that keep people from considering the claims of Jesus.

I think it’s time we add another question to that list.

“You say your God is love, so what’s your problem with three or more people being in a loving sexual relationship?”

This is a question about polyamory. Polyamory is the practice of engaging in emotionally, romantically and, sometimes, sexually intimate relationships that involve three or more people, with the knowledge and consent of all involved. Polyamory sits within a broader concept: consensual non-monogamy (CNM). CNM is an umbrella term for sexual relationships that those involved in agree are not exclusive.

This week is Week of Visibility for Non-Monogamy. Events with titles such as ‘Peek Inside Our Polycule’ and ‘Is There a Right Way to do Non-Monogamy?’ are being held. The organiser’s website declares confidently, “Together, we can normalize non-monogamy”.

What happened with same-sex relationships in the space of only a few decades, is likely to happen even quicker with polyamory

Nevermind a week, I think you could actually argue that we’re in a Year of Visibility for Non-Monogamy. January saw the publication of More: A Memoir of Open Marriage by Molly Roden Winter which soon made it onto the New York Times bestsellers list. The same month, New York Magazine caused a stir with an issue entitled ‘Polyamory: A Practical Guide for the Curious’. In May the leading online magazine Slate declared: “Consensual nonmonogamy is now officially mainstream”. Meanwhile Vanity Fair believes “The summer of the throuple is upon us”, as three-person polyamorous relationships feature in dramas such as the latest season of Bridgerton, films such as Challengers (which charts a relationship between three tennis players), and reality TV shows such as Couple to Throuple and Couples Therapy. The largest independent literary site in North America, Book Riot, has also announced 2024 as “the year of queer polyamorous books”.

Polyamory and consensual non-monogamy are becoming much more visible and, as the organisers of the Week of Visibility for Non-Monogamy have rightly assumed, visibility is likely to flow into normalisation.

At the moment, a majority of people in modern Western society probably wouldn’t say they are supporters of polyamory and CNM. But when pushed, they’ll probably also struggle to defend their lack of support. That lack of foundation, combined with increased visibility showing that the practices seem harmless and even make some people happy, is likely to lead to changes in public opinion. What happened with same-sex relationships in the space of only a few decades, is likely to happen with polyamory and CNM, but could happen a lot more quickly, partly because the shift in attitudes on same-sex relationships has already paved the way.

So it might not be long before someone asks you: “You say your God is love, so what’s your problem with three or more people being in a loving relationship?” Here are three ways you can prepare to answer that question:

1. Prepare your heart

When something new like polyamory gains traction in culture, it’s easy to rush to engage our heads without also examining our hearts. But the risk is that our unexamined heart attitudes end up shaping our response. When that happens, we often end up responding with truth but without love and piling on guilt without grace.

Will our hearts respond with the same kind of love that God has for all people? Do the ways we would instinctively interact with people on this topic reflect the way Jesus interacted with those living outside of God’s plan? Or would our instinctive response be harsh and self-righteous?

There’s always the risk that we forget both the inherent dignity all people carry by virtue of being created in God’s image, regardless of how they’re living, and our own dependence on God’s grace. “There but for the grace of God go I” is a truth we should always be allowing to shape our hearts.

It may also be helpful to consider the hearts of those engaging in polyamory and consensual non-monogamy. What are their hearts looking for? What leads people to these sorts of relationship setups? The likelihood is, it’s a whole mix of stuff. From a Christian perspective some of that is bad, an outworking of the inclination to sin we all have outside of Christ. But also in the mix could well be good desires – desires to love and to be loved and to connect deeply with multiple people. These are good desires but being expressed in a bad way. That should shape how we feel and how we engage.

External factors also drive people to these practices. Chances are our culture’s undervaluing of friendship and overvaluing of romantic and sexual relationships are playing a part. (And both of those are things many of us as Christians have been guilty of and have contributed to.)

We’re in a culture that has largely lost the truth that friendships can – and should – be relationships of serious, experienced and expressed love. On the flip side, that culture presents romance and sex as the pinnacle of human connection and the thing that should fully satisfy us. Against that backdrop, is it any surprise that when people find a romantic and sexual relationship doesn’t fully satisfy them, they go hunting for more romantic and sexual connections in the hope more will bring the satisfaction they’re seeking? Or is it any surprise that people who develop a deep connection in friendship might believe the relationship is or needs to be something other than friendship, regardless of how many people it is with?

2. Prepare your head

Next, we need to think through the big questions so we can give robust and compelling answers.

Answering what Christians believe about polyamorous relationships and consensual non-monogamy might feel quite simple, but explaining why probably feels more daunting. The why is important. The why shows that we are not bigoted or behind the times. It shows that we aren’t uncaring and unloving. The why shows that our beliefs are rooted in deep convictions and in sensible reasoning.

The why also provides an opportunity to talk about Jesus. People in the world around us often assume our beliefs about sex are weird, but they usually don’t know the half of it. Our beliefs are far weirder than just believing sex should be reserved for marriage, or that marriage should be between a man and a woman and should only be between two. Our belief is that sex is ultimately about Jesus! Marriage is a relationship designed to be a picture of the future relationship between Christ and the Church and sex is a portrayal of the deep, whole self-union that will characterise that relationship.

That’s the ‘why’ behind all Christian sexual ethics. Why is sex reserved for marriage? Because the union it represents will take place in the context of a committed, eternal relationship, so sex should only take place in the context of a committed, lifelong relationship. Why is sex the union of a man and a woman? Because it is a picture of a union of two who are different and the male-female pairing of marriage enacts that element of union in difference. Why is marriage the union of just two? Because the relationship it is portraying is a relationship between two – Christ and the Church.

3. Prepare your church

Often when there are shifts in dominant cultural views, Christians default to asking ‘What should the church say?’. That’s not a bad question, but I don’t think it should be the first question. The first question should be, ‘Who do we need to become?’. Before we engage with our culture, we need to look at ourselves and ask if we are the kind of community that is ready to offer good news to our culture.

With polyamory and CNM, I believe we need to look at ourselves first. Are our churches the kind of communities where people can find a genuine experience of love and deep connection? If it’s true that the decline of friendship and the overselling of sex and romance are cultural driving forces behind the rise of polyamory and CNM then we should ask, ‘Are our churches guilty of falling into or even propagating these problems? Are we communities where friendship is undervalued and poorly practised? Do we present sex and romance as the pinnacle of human connection and the things that should fully satisfy us?’ If so, we may not be ready to engage. We need to become before we proclaim.

To respond well to the rise of polyamory and CNM, we need to prepare our churches to be the kinds of communities that help people experience the goodness of God’s ways rather than get caught in the false hope of the world’s ways.

Chances are we’ll all be hearing questions on polyamory a lot more in the months and years to come. But be encouraged, we have an answer. That answer is a good answer. And sharing that answer may well give you a chance to introduce people to the true answer to all our desires – Jesus.

Andrew Bunt is the author of Three or More: Reflections on Polyamory and Consensual Non-Monogamy (Grove Books)