Cat was a drug addict who found faith in Jesus. She met her husband in recovery and led him to God as well. But his use of pornography triggered previous trauma for Cat and nearly ruined their marriage. It’s why she’s so passionate about helping others break free from it’s grip
Sitting on holiday celebrating my husband Dave’s birthday by the beach, life was finally beginning to seem normal. We had been married for two years, and having both come from challenging circumstances, we had just discovered faith together and were exploring spirituality at the same time. It was fresh, exciting and peaceful. I asked to use Dave’s phone to search for something online, and noticed his internet search history tab. I curiously clicked…and seconds later, my world crashed into a thousand pieces. Dave had been viewing online pornography.
I was speechless and wondered if this would be the end of my marriage. I sat there in shocked silence, trying to pluck up the courage to speak up and get answers.
In the middle of pain and trauma, it was a daily struggle to live in forgiveness
You might think I overreacted. You might be wondering why I couldn’t just get over it. Porn isn’t that big of a deal, is it? But this wasn’t the first time that sex addiction had caused me great pain.
Brokenness and pain
Some years earlier, I had been using an ex-partner’s laptop when I discovered a series of explicit chat room conversations. He had been talking to women online, arranging to meet them for sex and excessively viewing porn websites. He had even organised sexual encounters to take place in my house while my children were sleeping upstairs. It was devastating. Coming to terms with his betrayal affected everything, and I even lost my job as I struggled to come to cope with what had happened.
But I had thought that things with Dave would be different… not least because he was a Christian, and I believed that God had sent him into my life. Dave knew how much this issue had hurt me in the past and had promised me that porn wasn’t a struggle for him. He knew that this was the one issue that I couldn’t cope with, and yet here I was, with tears streaming down my face, wondering if everything I had fought for, and the restoration I had personally experienced, was about to be ruined.
Finding freedom
I’d spent ten years addicted to drugs and committing petty crime. I’d gone through rehab three times before finally finding freedom. At one stage, both of my children were taken from my care by social services, and my parents stopped speaking to me. I was caught up in a world of ignorance and arrogance, not recognising how bad my addiction had become. I thought rehab was for ‘real’ drug addicts and celebrities, and I thought I could keep going forever in this destructive lifestyle. I had also used sex as a currency, a tool to get what I wanted. It helped me survive years of drug addiction. But I was never addicted to sex like others had been.
When I met Dave in an alcoholic support group, I was warned not to marry someone from a similar background to me, but then we both became Christians. He was the first person I’d led to Jesus and we started this incredible spiritual journey together.
Thankfully, following my painful discovery, Dave agreed to do whatever he had to do in order to save our marriage and we were able to get through that difficult season. He had only looked at porn a handful of times since we had been together and was at the latter end of his struggles. Due to my own addictions, I understand that when you’re an addict, you hurt people you love without even thinking of the consequences.
A forgiveness dilemma
But although I wanted to forgive Dave for the deception he brought into our marriage, forgiveness is far from easy. Christians often refer to it as a spiritual discipline, but I know how difficult it is to apply. When I was in the depth of my pain and trauma, I often felt added shame and guilt for feeling like I wasn’t ready to forgive. Nonetheless, I tried to exercise forgiveness even when I didn’t necessarily feel like I wanted to.
When we value the relationship we have with the person who has hurt us, we can be naturally inclined towards forgiveness, but we may also feel frightened that they might hurt us again. We may want to attempt to recalibrate power in a relationship, and it’s really normal for this barrier to present itself - it’s what we’d call a forgiveness dilemma.
Dave had been viewing online pornography. My world crashed into a thousand pieces
There were times I would seek to exercise the discipline of forgiveness, and times I found it really hard. In the middle of pain and trauma, it was sometimes a daily struggle to live in forgiveness with my husband. What helped most with this was committing to work though the challenges I had with my own pain, creating a sense of internal safety and working on my own self-worth so that forgiveness didn’t feel like such a threat.
A long journey
Choosing forgiveness can be a long journey, but I’m so glad I chose it. Today, Dave is a Baptist minister and a hospital chaplain, and I’m the director of recovery for Naked Truth Project, a charity working to help those affected by the damaging impact of porn.
I first found out about Naked Truth Project when I heard founder, Ian Henderson, speak at Spring Harvest. I loved what the charity was doing, but knew there needed to be help for those who had been betrayed by partners who had sex addiction issues. I didn’t want others to feel how I had felt, so alone and afraid. I trained as a life coach, launched my own business and began to volunteer for the charity. Soon, I began to work for them. Today, I see transformation every week.
People who hear my story cannot believe where I came from. I live a healthy, stable and happy life. I’m clean. My husband is clean. We have a great marriage. I feel passionate about helping others recover from addiction and trauma. You can be free, you can get better… there is hope! Whatever your situation, whether you’re stuck in a pornography rut or you’ve been hurt by a partner, I want to encourage you to get help and truly believe that your situation can be different. If my life can change, anyone’s can, thanks to the power of God and the work of the Holy Spirit!
For information on the support services offered by Cat and the team, visit thenakedtruthproject.com
